The ladies like a nice bell!

Saturday morning, 08:00 and I prepare for the day's assault on the canal. Neither Nick or Keith could make it today as Nick was intending to go to Coed Llandegla in Wales on Sunday and can't go out biking twice in one weekend, which is fair enough, and Keith was being a good Uncle and taking his niece to Blackpool as a birthday treat, what a good egg.

However, the training regime was graced with the first appearance of Gaz! Unfortunately Gaz is already physically very fit, and a nutter!

So down went the porridge for fuel and in the pocket went a handful of Jelly Beans for an instant sugar rush which my daughters had been begging me to take for the last few rides. After those went a Nutri-grain and Coco-pops bar (I know). Upon reflection, I should have put the Jelly Beans in a bag as they turned into a sticky amorphous lump within 30 minutes of riding!

As well as the food, in went the emergency toilet paper ("A mans gotta do what a mans gotta do") and an extra pair of socks, not to be worn on the feet but rather as an emergency extra padding for the padded shorts. I kid you not. Next time I'm going to be wearing a rucksack as the amount of baggage in the only pocket on my mountain biking shorts is getting ever larger and only one leg is lifting it!

I was supposed to be meeting Gaz at 08:30 but the preparation's weren't going so well.

First it took me 20 minutes to fit a new pump holder because of the curved frame on the new bike and then when I tried to pump the rear tyre up a bit, the new pump simply let all the air out.

Gaz arrived and pointed out that somebody had switched the innards of the new pump around! The bastards! So, around they went again and worked perfectly, thank god for that!

The target was 50 miles on the canal, not including the 1.9 miles from my house to it. Off we went.

There's a hill up to the canal which is about a half to three quarters of a mile long. On all previous trips I've made it about halfway up before having a breather, then a bit more, and a bit more.

Gaz was my partner today .....

Three quarters up I panted "Need.....a......rest". Like an American military trainer Gaz responded "Feel the pain, love it! No rest till the top, RAAAAARGH!" Shit ......

That set the tone for the day and we hadn't even got to the canal yet! We made it to the top without stopping and I have to say I felt a little impressed with myself, and a lot like sitting down!

After a quick breather we headed off in the direction of Liverpool. We were aiming for an average of 12.5 miles per hour. That was going to be tough!

The towpath between Altham and Church just doesn't exist, it's basically a grass embankment with a worn cycle path just over a tyre's width wide in parts. The new bike, with it's full suspension and 'pro-pedal' assisted damping came into it's own here. It soaked up the bumps and was immeasurably more comfortable than the hardtail!

We made it past Church and on to Rishton. At this point Gaz took point and set the pace. For the next 12 or so miles, the towpath alternates between asphalt and hardpack mud and we kept up 13-14 Miles per hour. It's pretty hard work keeping up with Gaz and at points I fell behind, but caught up each time Gaz slowed to pass dog walkers, joggers or fishermen. The locks at Blackburn provided a little respite, being able to freewheel for a few minutes.

The gay bell came in handy at each bridge and every group of walkers, letting people know that the YMCA on wheels was approaching. Of course there are still people who upon hearing the bell, take their hands out of their pockets and walk determinedly in the middle of the path, refusing to turn around and acknowledge your approach. I find it amusing to ride as close as possible to them and swerve back in again. Only for these ignorant arses though, everybody else who moves out of the way (and thankfully that's the majority of people) gets a smile and a polite 'Thank you' or 'Cheers'. Most people fall into the second category.

After another brief respite freewheeling down the locks just past Wheelton, we pedalled another couple of miles and at the 20 mile mark we arrived at Botany Bay in Chorley. Time for a rest.

A Nutri-Grain bar, a mouthful of Jellybeans and a few mouthfuls of water. Nectar!

It was at think point that Gaz suddenly realised something, and when you think about it, he's spot on! After we both agreed that our arses were a bit painful, Gaz exclaimed "You know, I don't think this pain in my arse is anything to do with muscles! I think what's happening is that the hairs are being pulled out! I'm gonna have to have a 'Back, sack and crack!'"

He's right you know! The pain is immediate when you sit down, then it goes away again. It's the instant you sit down that the combination of cheeks, hair and saddle make for a good set of tweezers! Time for some hair removal cream to be applied to the old buttocks methinks! Good spot Gaz!

Onward we pedalled until I was eventually able to stop Gaz and say "That's it! 25 miles!" and so we turned around and headed back. 7 miles further and we were back at Wheelton and stopped sat the 'Top Lock' pub for some lunch. We both ordered a Hot beef and Onion sandwich and a coffee and shared a plate of chips. They were superb. The nice man behind the bar filled up our water bottles for us too! Result.

Our average for the first 25 miles plus the 7 miles back to Wheelton registered at 11.3 mph. Not quite the 12.5 we were aiming for but the lack of towpath and the wet grass contributed to slowing us down for the first 6 or so miles. Still 11.3 isn't bad. We didn't expect to be able to keep up that pace on the way home but soon surprised ourselves when we got on the asphalt. Gaz was leading yet again and I was following. I was amazed to see that at points we were keeping up 15mph for decent stretches. The beef sandwich and chips had given us a decent boost obviously.

35 or so miles in and I started feeling it. Botany bay loomed ahead and realisation set in. "We're only just getting back to 'Botany Bastard Bay! There's a long way to go yet!"

The next 20 miles were hard. Interspersed with periods of standing just to give the bum a rest! (Can you imagine John Lennon joining us and singing "Give Cheeks a chance...."?)

It was around the 38 mile mark that we were back in Blackburn. It happened on a nice long stretch. We approached a couple of Ladies walking their dogs and for the hundredth time that day I have a couple of rings of the gay bell. The ladies turned around and moved to the side and said "Thank God! At last! Somebody with a bell! Thank you so much!" Wow! What a reaction! A lesson for you all there, as gay as it seems, a bell works wonders!

I must admit, I was silently chuckling to myself each time I rang the bell when approaching groups of lads fishing or blokes walking menacing looking dogs. Gaz was always at the front and I'm sure they all thought it was him! Hah!

Eventually we made it back to Altham and the trip computer showed 50.3 miles. We'd done it. 1.9 miles home and it was time for a well deserved pint. I think that if we can manage 50 miles at this stage, then we should be able to cope with the full distance of 127.25 miles next May, but god will it hurt! I salute the people who've done it before us and especially Colin Dobson who did twice in 2 days! I must introduce him to Gaz!

Right, where can I get some Veet?